I’m Sick of Stupid Euphemisms, Doublespeak, & Vague Language

“But let your speech be yea, yea: no, no: and that which is over and above these, is of evil.”
–Matthew 5:37

Yes, others have complained about this many times, but I’m in the mood to revisit this miserable problem for a quick rant. Let us never neglect the value of honest and precise speech, which underpins any chance at effective communication.

Some of this will be tongue-in-cheek, yet it’s an obvious problem in the world and Church. 

Enjoy!

Fix Garbage Speech: Learn What Folks Are Really Saying

1. “He struggles with same-sex attraction.”
   • Translation: He’s tempted to commit sodomy. Cruder Translation: He’s acting like a fag.
   • Notice, we wouldn’t say “he IS a fag” implying that faggotry could be sewed into one’s essence, thus implicating God as a “fag maker,” which is blasphemous.
2. “He struggles with sins of the flesh.”
   • Translation: He’s addicted to orgasms.
3. “She may be in a state of mortal sin after attempting to cast Wiccan spells.”
   • Translation: She’s addicted to Satan.
4. “Modern women appear to have an antipathy toward men.”
   • Translation: Women don’t like you unless you give them gifts and other resources.
5. “Black women tend to rely on welfare resources disproportionately to the rest of the population.”
   • Translation: Black chicks can’t get enough FREE STUFF.
6. “Black men appear disengaged from pursuing marriages with black women.”
   • Translation: Brothers have had just about all they can handle of black divas who think they’re royalty.
7. “I need more meds for pain management.”
   • Translation: I whine about pain rather than discover its root cause, let alone make any attempt to address it.
8. The boomers are boisterous, outspoken, and fearless.
   • Translation: The boomers can’t stop chatting and turn off their damn cell phones in the adoration chapel. Back in the day, old people used to go “Shhhh!” quite often to younger people in quiet settings. Nowadays, they make most of the noise.
9. “I’m a strong, independent woman.”
   • Translation: I have BPD, Female Hysteria, or Bipolar Disorder and cannot endure any acute hardships. Nonetheless, men foolishly give me whatever I want because I possess hair, breasts, and legs.
10. “My body, my choice!”
    • Translation: All other bodies that aren’t mine → chunk ‘em in the river.
11. “I don’t want no drama.”
    • Translation: I’m about to gossip for at least ten minutes, and as soon as my blood pressure elevates, or I become frustrated, I will blaspheme the Lord’s Holy Name for sure.
12. “You need to be a better listener.”
    • Translation: I should do ALL the talking, you should remain forever silent, endure no shortage of gaslighting, and capitulate to all my personal tyranny.
13. “I’m a fervent believer and practitioner of NFP.”
    • Translation: While it might be nice to fight the bastard communists by outbreeding them, I’d prefer the comfort of financial security and let God send more children elsewhere. My natural-family-planning is superior to the traditional “Holy-Spirit-Family-Planning.”
14. “We should defer to the esteemed College of Cardinals whenever there’s any suspicion of an antipope or other influential public heretics.
    • Translation: I’m way too lazy to take even a cursory glance at Church history, particularly the Avignon Papacy. I also have no idea how they managed the Church prior to the ninth century before the College existed.
    • Bonus: Also, I seem not to have noticed how the College itself has ballooned from about 70 cardinals to well over 200 in less than 70 years. Furthermore, I refuse to draw any comparison between that and the American dictator, Franklin D. Roosevelt’s court packing schemes.
15. “Bergoglio may be a material heretical, but certainly not a formal one.”
    • Translation: Man, I really need this guy to be the pope because if I say he’s not, I’ll lose my job at The Catholic Answers.
16. “Trust the science! Get the jab!”
    • Translation: “Grrrr!!! Brains! Brains! Delicious Brains!

Conclusion

Why does identifying and culling out duplicitous speech matter so much?

Because the proper use of words, phrases, and sentence structure impacts the very transmission of truth itself. Furthermore, some of the aforementioned expressions simply reflect rank dishonesty. 

As always, pray to the Blessed Virgin for the grace to practice well-ordered speech, omitting all the doublespeak, euphemisms, and confusing gibberish. You should seek to pray all 15 decades of Her Rosary each day, but perhaps pay particular attention to the 1st Joyous Mystery, Our Lady’s Fiat at the Annunciation. She does not mince words or utter anything we would ever misconstrue.

Don’t beat around the bush. Instead, take a hedge trimmer or machete, and give it the trimming it needs whenever necessary. Otherwise, leave it alone and cease speaking so much.

You and I will be called to account for wasting time and deluding others if our speech becomes careless. For as Our Lord warns:

“But I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall render an account for it in the day of judgment.”