NOTE: This is at least 94% satire. The following is a hypothetical conversation (or nightmare) involving a young male Catholic seeking spiritual wisdom from none other than Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the Bishop of Roaming.
NOTE 2: To enjoy the second half of this piece, it will help to have familiarity with the 80s band, Genesis.
Spiritual Direction par excellence . . .
First Question: Holy Father, I wish to connect with my fellow man and meet other Catholic brothers. Can you recommend some options?
Bergoglio: Have you thought of joining a Lodge? They have plenty of fraternity, if you know what I mean.
Second Question: Your Holiness, what should I do to find a spouse in today’s turbulent world?
Bergo: Well, my son, I was a bouncer back in the day, and there were limitless women floating around those places. Have you considered hanging out at bars with loud music? Also, I encourage you to reinvent yourself to fit the ideals of modern man. You’ll need to strike a modest ground between “finding your feminine side” versus becoming a “macho, macho man.” Therefore, I refer you to my most trusted adviser, and deputy, Tucho Fernandez. He most proficiently demonstrates how to get buff yet remain soft.
Third Question: I keep hearing about something called the Traditional Latino Mass. What is that, and should I attend?
Oily Father: My son, I believe you mean the “Latin” Mass, which I’ve condemned as rigid and too traditional. Plus, if you attend one of those, as a young man, you’ll hate it. All the women dress like Mennonites (unlike those bar patrons I mentioned) and cover their hair with holier-than-thou veils. It’s as if they think attending Mass is like going to God’s funeral or something. That’s not what Vatican II teaches. Mass is more of a chance to supplement your Sunday football schedule with a delightful feast. Either way, stick to a Novus Ordo Seclorum Mass. They’re full of hot babes, including NON-traditional women, who weren’t born as such. Keep an open mind, lad, and remember my papal mantra: “Who am I to judge?”
Fourth Question: Holy Father, have you heard of this website: Catholics Aren’t Zombies? He says you’re one of them there “Anti” popes? Is this true? Should we read anything from that website?
Vicar of Crayons: No! None of it is true. One of these days, I’m going to fry that little bugger just like I did with Vigano. Arghh!!! Grrrr!!!!! Darn, now I have gas again. I need to take a break and find Waldo for a while.
Fifth Question: What do you think of Fr. Chad Ripperger, the exorcist? He teaches a lot of that traditional stuff you told me to avoid.
Imperial Pontiff: I know about this priest and have instructed my acolytes to observe him carefully. He can teach anything he wants as long as he remains silent and refrains from direct confrontation with my pontificate. As soon as he gets out of his exorcist lane, I’ll swipe his faculties and park him in St. Luke’s hospital for a decade. He’ll beg for mercy, and despite my reputation, I’ll grant none. By the way, take this good advice, young man, if you ever find yourself in a position of power. Always rule with an iron fist, learn what your adversaries are afraid to lose, use that to exploit them, and then nobody will challenge your legitimacy. This is especially true of members of intelligentsia who tend to be thinkers rather than fighters, but will do neither once you apply appropriate pressure. So, to answer your question, Fr. Ripperger will do as I say, ultimately. Otherwise, I shall sever that thin thread of rope holding the Sword of Damocles over his precious clerical career.
Sixth Question: Your Wholeness, I want to quit my awful job after some careful discernment. Do you believe I could resign the “working” part of my position, but retain the “getting paid” aspect? I heard that’s about how the papacy works, at least since 2013.
Big Bergy Style: If you persist with asking me stupid questions, I’m going to use PopeGPT to supply the rest of the answers.
Last Question: Should we pray the Rosary, 15 decades, every day? Isn’t that overkill?
Jorge B. Good: The only people who do that are those obnoxious “rad trads” who fixate on antiquated concepts, like “salvation.” They’re a difficult bunch of crabby turtles. However, in the interest of mercy, I’ll attempt to address this question. Just the other day, I hopped onto the Chair of Peter, and tried to siphon some of those “infallible juices” to absorb the answer. This helped me obtain a suitable alternative to praying the Rosary. Sure enough, I discovered a way to discern the spirits better, not through mental prayer, but by listening to a helpful leprechaun perched on my shoulder.
KA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**Suddenly, lightning strikes and Bergoglio is knocked several feet onto the ground, off the Chair of Peter, and thrust into a coma. We’ll check on him some other time. Pray for him and all others who scandalize their spiritual directees.**
In the meantime, listen to a real pope instead . . .
Since we’ve finished that unpleasant “anti-teaching” session from Mr. Bergoglio, I suggest we try St. Pius X’s way. However, how does one seek an authentic spiritual director?
A committed Catholic should only select the most qualified spiritual director, preferably one who has reached the third stage of perfection: the unitive way. For the uninitiated, this refers to those who’ve attained a most advanced degree of spiritual perfection. It involves having undergone purgation of grave sins, venial sins, and even all attachment to sin, before developing a close relationship with Jesus Christ through meditation on His Passion.
The unitive way offers souls the opportunity to experience the greater heights of mental prayer and overall closeness with God. If you seek a legitimate spiritual mentor, then search for the guidance of priests who have ascended to this level.
Modernist Rebuttal: “Nah, Too Hard.”
Then again, what the heck do I know?
I’m not a theologian, like the Eminent Tucho Fernandez. If you prefer a Zombie rendition of Catholicism, perhaps you should prop Bergoglio back on the Chair, and let him impart his twisted wisdom onto you.
Here’s a marketing pitch for his terrific services.
With Jorge Bergoglio as your spiritual director, you can utilize a proverbial easy switch; forever eschewing all that “redemptive suffering” business. Bergo will show you how to skip to the final level of Super Mario Bros by discovering the special shortcut. He wants you to ignore all that monotonous hard stuff (i.e., “carrying your cross”), and become super cool and sort of holy, like him, ASAP.
Yes, even though Bergoglio has spent the better part of his career as the Undisputed King of All Heresies, he overcomes that shortcoming with one simple trick. There’s a single move or strategy that gets him straight to God, within earshot of inspirations of the Holy Spirit within seconds.
He does so by . . .
. . . going all the way back to Genesis (not the Book, he doesn’t read; but rather the Phil Collins band). Below is his favorite song, which will be yours, too, if you pledge obedience to Bergoglio.
Those motivating words help generate all of Jorge’s most prolific pontifical powers.
They allow him to tune out all the naysayers who believe he lacks the papal dignity; lacks infallibility. By replaying that important melody from Genesis (every evening for an hour), he pumps himself up for all his Church-burning, revolutionary activities.
After all, Bergo’s been talking to Jesus ALLLLLL his life. Can you say the same? Perhaps not yet, but it’s possible if you promise to be good (try to be nice). As the song continues, God will take good care of you-ooo . . .
Let there be no doubt that Bergoglio is anything less than a meditative heavyweight. Jesus knows him and knows he’s right. However, even you can jam out to that quintessential religious hymn, and experience similar results, since Bergoglio is building a papacy of believers, where EVERYONE can be pope.
Isn’t modernism so generous? Surely, you’ve wanted to be a pope yourself.
Buy Bergo Today! But Be Careful . . .
For all the zombies out there, this deal sounds almost too good to be true. Just remember that Bergoglio’s services involve a few “caveat emptors.”
If there’s any drawback to hiring Bergoglio for spiritual direction, it’s his somewhat dodgy reputation among his colleagues, not to mention the various “social proof” platforms. Most of his customer reviews are in the toilet, but frankly, some folks always hold a grudge.
Unfortunately, Bergo is not an accredited spiritual director, owing to his D+ rating with the Vatican division of the Better Business Bureau (BBB). That organization holds proprietors and contractors accountable to resolving customer disputes, which Bergoglio doesn’t do terribly well. One time, four of his cardinals issued a “dubia” over his writings, and he waited so long to answer that some of the authors died waiting.
That’s just not how you handle dispute resolution.
But . . . Bergoglio Has a Solution!
Despite those concerns, Bergoglio possesses a foolproof way of deflecting criticism. He offers more value, almost like receiving an extra piece of bread by purchasing a Big Mac over a Whopper.
What do we mean?
Whenever you choose Bergoglio for spiritual direction, you get TWO mentors for the price of one. Wherever Jorge goes, his TUCHO (Mr. Muscles & Kisses) is sure to follow, offering any doomed spiritual mentee with boundless expert guidance. These two, Bergo and Tucho, have been quite the dynamic duo for many years.
Tucho Fernandez, in case you weren’t aware, has his own lofty resume, about as thick as a phone book, complete with these magnificent works.
- Kissing Kegels for Curious Catholics (Alternate Title: Mein Kiss)
- The Organic Essentials of Orgasms
- Guidebook for Divorce, Remarriage, and Impunity
- Marian Apparition or Hallucination? I’ll Decide, Thank You.
- Sodomite Blessings: Procedures for Ordinary & Extraordinary Ministers
Of course, a publication list only offers a faint glimpse of Colonel Tucho’s spiritual acumen.
Once again, let us turn to Genesis for enlightenment (not the Book, the band). Did you know Phil Collins wrote a single in anticipation of Tucho’s influence on the Church? As the other Genesis song announces: Bergoglio seems to have an Invisible Tucho . . .
We all need someone to tear us apart, as individuals and as a collective Church. Tucho looks forward to bulldozing your old self (and the old Church), before building you back better. He’ll mess up your life, and you’ll want him just the sa-a-ame.
Conclusion???
God help anyone who took any of that seriously.
In case you did, I shall sandwich this entire article (stupid as it is) with the **SATIRE** disclaimer. I recommend all readers now seek out more efficacious reading for their evening reflections.
When in doubt, return to the basics, and indulge in a truly good book.
Catholics Aren't Zombies! 
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